How to Meditate When You Don’t Believe in Meditation

I don’t sit still. Not because I’m fidgety, but because I’m productive. Or, at least, I want to be productive.

When I worked full time, it was pure torture to have to sit still in a required class, commuting to or from work, or the worst – during a work out, as in savasana at the end of yoga. I felt my time was so limited and I was so stretched, that I was wasting precious moments when I could have been getting other things done instead.

As a stay at home mom, it’s much the same. There is so much to do, I’m pulled in so many directions. If I take a break for myself, then something else isn’t getting done and I feel the crushing weight of guilt and failure that I’m not using this time at home to be productive.

I don’t sit still much. There’s just too much to do.

So imagine my discomfort when I learned we had 90 minutes of meditative practice at yoga teacher trainer this past weekend. Here I am, giving up 6 hours of my Saturday with my family to do something for myself, and I expect to use up every one of those 6 hours in the most productive way – learning, doing and improving.

But here’s the thing I had to accept: that 90 minutes was doing something for myself. It was a learning, doing and improving experience for me. (That realization, in and of itself, was a learning and improving moment, before the guided meditation even started.)

Let Your Walls Down During my yoga teacher training, I’m realizing that I have a lot of barriers. I’m also realizing that in order to get the most from this training I need to break them down. I’m investing a lot of money and a lot of time into getting my 200 hour yoga certification, and if I put up barriers to the experience, I won’t get nearly as much out of it. What’s the point, then, to all this time, all this sacrifice, just to keep doing what I’ve always done the way I’ve always done it?

Opening up to a guided meditation was my first true opportunity to break down some of those self-constructed barriers. Again, that realization alone was a freeing moment, but what followed was transformative.

Have a Goal, Set Your Intention

The practice started with words from our meditation guide, Thomas Balsamo. He spoke briefly about what meditation is – an alignment of the mind, body and spirit. He told us that the goal of motivation is to be your best self.

Having a goal, however tangible or intangible that one may be, was the right way for me to mentally get in line. I now had something to work toward, a purpose. It really helped me center and focus because it no longer felt like a “waste of my time,” I was working toward an end goal. And, spiritually, I really liked that end goal, it was something I could get behind, not just that day, but on a regular basis. It is actually one of the reasons I’m doing this yoga teacher training – to be a better version of myself.

Thomas explained that when most people hear the goal of becoming their best self, they immediately think about what they can add. That’s what I thought. However, he was quick to point out that becoming our best self usually means that we have to take something away, let something go. He asked us to set our intention for the practice with that in mind.

Let Something Go

I decided to let go of my guilt – my guilt for moving forward with yoga teacher training instead of being with my family for those hours each weekend; my guilt for not working right now and bringing in money; my guilt for working when my oldest child was a baby but not working when my youngest was; my guilt for spending so much time with my youngest while my oldest is in kindergarten; my guilt for living far away from my parents and my sister because the life I built for myself is two states away from them; my guilt for putting my kids in front of the tv at 4:30 every night so I can have a glass of wine and cook dinner in peace; my guilt for not cleaning out our closets even though I’m home all day and my husband works… The list goes on, but I think you get the picture.

Clear Your Mind

We meditated quietly for some time after that. Thomas helped us clear our minds and taught us how to let go of thoughts. In a nutshell, when they come in, picture them as clouds simply floating by. Also, for me, I repeated nonsense syllables over and over until they were gone – it gave me something to focus on without focusing on anything real, until I had no focus at all because it was all clear.

I think I successfully did it for about five minutes. Five minutes is a long time to sit quietly without thought, especially for someone like me. I have to be honest – I felt lighter, brighter, freer. I was holding something in my hand and at one point realized I no longer felt it, which snapped me out of the meditation for a moment, only to realize it was still there. It was a cool experience to realize I had freed my mind so much that my body also felt that free.

The guidance continued and lead us to a place of love. Thomas asked us to think about the time in our lives when we were most filled with love. This was an interesting and overwhelming part of the exercise for me. I was filled. I was light. It was amazing.

However, the place I immediately went was soon fraught with stress as well as love (giving birth to my first child, feeling that connection to my husband as he held my hand and everything he did for me in those moments - but those moments were also scary and painful, so it’s difficult to feel one without the other). And it was then followed by feelings of guilt, which for all intents and purposes, made me feel as though I had negated the work I had done up to that point, through no fault of anyone but myself.

This is where things turned for me. I had brought myself out of the meditative state where I had allowed myself to go, which brought my awareness and my barriers to the forefront once again. I felt antsy. I felt uncomfortable. Some of the words Thomas was using at that point felt, to me, more contrived and more of a stretch, so I started to retreat back to my skeptical ways. Or, perhaps, did my skeptical ways make me feel that way?

Feel Good About What You Were Able to Do

All that said, I think my first true meditation practice was a success in many ways. I felt more connected to myself. I understood myself more. I felt lighter as I let go of some of the guilt that constantly weighs me down. I let down some barriers. I learned something new and because of it, I experienced something new. Meditation is hard work but the results can be life altering, so it’s something that I now want to continue to try and improve.

Find the Right Coach

Thomas was an excellent coach and I think he really made a difference in my day and my life through this practice. If you are interested in meditation and learning more, there are several resources that could help.

One way to try it is with technology – the Oprah and Deepak’s 21-Day Meditation app has been highly recommended by my yoga instructor. The Calm app was named one of the most popular and is an editor’s choice on Apple iPhones. If you are local to the Chicago Northwest Suburbs, Thomas Balsamo is available for consultation and does regular meet-ups. There are coaches like him across the country and across the world, search online or consult with a local yoga studio for help.

As someone who never believed in or thought I could practice meditation, I would urge you to break down your own barriers and give it a try, you may be surprised by what you get out of it.